Lizard Vigilante FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions (And Some Deeply Unnecessary Ones)
Lizard Vigilante FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions (And Some Deeply Unnecessary Ones)
🦎 What even is Lizard Vigilante? Is this a reptile crime-fighting site?
A: Kind of. We sell fashion so bold, it should be illegal. There are no actual reptiles involved (yet), but if a gecko with a switchblade shows up, he’s probably part of our marketing team.
🔊 Why are your shoes so loud?
A: Because whispering kicks are for people who ask to speak to the manager. Ours are for folks who kick the manager through a wall (figuratively... mostly).
🕵️♂️ Do your shirts summon demons?
A: Only if you wear them on a full moon while listening to ‘80s metal and drinking espresso straight from the pot. Otherwise, they just summon compliments.
🤠 Can I return something if it makes me too sexy?
A: No. That’s your burden now. Walk proud, you spicy disaster.
🚌 Do you ship internationally?
A: Yes. If there’s a postal service, carrier pigeon, or underground fashion smuggler in your country, we’ll find them.
😶 I ordered 3 things and only got 2. Is this a scam or am I just bad at counting?
A: Let’s find out together. Email us at help@lizardvigilante.com and we’ll investigate using sarcasm and tracking numbers.
🐈 My cat keeps trying to sleep on my Lizard Vigilante hoodie. Is it cursed?
A: No. Your cat just has impeccable taste and a deep appreciation for edgy textiles. We suggest charging rent.
🏋️♂️ What sizes do you carry?
A: From “I drink protein shakes for breakfast” to “My hoodie is basically a tent,” we got you. Check the size chart, or just yell your body type into a canyon and see what echoes back.
⚡ Are your products ethically made?
A: We don’t exploit people, puppies, or sentient lizards. We work with partners who treat their workers better than your ex treated you.
🙏 Can I wear your stuff to church/school/work/my parole hearing?
A: Depends how cool your pastor/teacher/boss/probation officer is. We’d recommend layering tastefully and keeping the flames below the beltline.
🧠 If I wear Lizard Vigilante, will I finally win that imaginary argument I’ve been rehearsing since 2018?
A: Absolutely. In fact, you’ll win it retroactively. They'll wake up mid-apology and not even know why.
☔ Are your clothes waterproof?
A: No, but they are tearproof—emotionally. Wear them while crying in the rain for that cinematic breakdown aesthetic.
👮️♀️ Can I fight crime in these outfits?
A: Yes, but we legally have to say “no.” So wear them responsibly… and maybe bring a sidekick.
⚔️ Why is your branding so aggressive?
A: Because the world doesn’t need another oatmeal-flavored clothing brand. We’re here to start fires, not trends.
🎁 Do you have gift cards?
A: Yes. Give the gift of glorious chaos. Nothing says “I tolerate you” like letting someone pick their own drip.
💳 Can I pay with cryptocurrency?
A: Only if it's backed by sarcasm and misplaced confidence. (Otherwise, yes—we take normal human payments.)
🧵 Who writes this stuff? Are you okay?
A: No. But thanks for noticing.
✨ Real Talk:
Need actual help that doesn’t involve jokes, sarcasm, or lizard metaphors? Email us at info@lizardvigilante.com and a real human will assist you without biting.